Verity, verily

Well, Mnemonic is no longer kicking my ass, but the Whimsical Naming Fairy is still AWOL. So I put it to you, O flist. What would you call a man who is short, squat, middle-aged and shady, with coarse, flabby features, salt-and-pepper hair and fingers like sausages, who walks in a miasma of cigar smoke? The kind of guy you'd expect to see in sleeve garters and a bookie visor.

Oh, and what would you call the seedy dive he owns, wherein he sells black market rotgut?

The fate of my fic now rests with you. Be diligent, lest I name him Ozwald.

Look what would happen then:



Oh, the horror!

Okay. Whoever is reading this, stop what you're doing and fetch a couple of tomatoes (maybe three if they're on the small side).

Now, put them in your food processor with a clove or two of garlic and some salt and pepper and pulse until you get bored.

Then, turn the food processor on high and drizzle in half a cup of your favourite oil (I use olive), or as much as it takes for the stuff inside to look like thick salad dressing.

Now stop your food processor and taste the stuff. Does it taste like gastronomical crack? If not, you did it wrong. Or maybe it just needs more salt.

Put it on bread, or crackers, or vegetables, or pasta. Or a spoon. Or your fingers.

Title: Chemistry
Author: verilyverity
Characters/Pairing: Ambrose/NPC, mention of the royal couple
Rating: R
Summary: Long before trouble comes to the O.Z, a young man receives an education.
Warning: Beware of falling anvils
Disclaimer: Ozma, Gillikin and the scarecrow belong to the estate of L. Frank Baum. Glitch, the queen and Ahamo belong to The Powers that Be at SciFi. Jasper Quinn, Tobias Attwater, Lucas Braddock, Eliot Fairfax and Hazel Midgely belong to me, but I don't much like 'em. Everything to do with Leona, save her given name, belongs to herself. She said so, and you'd be crazy to argue with her.
Word Count: 2819
Author's note: Squishies and saltwater taffy to theredoormouse, blade_girl, koslorollo and blackletter, my lovely betas. This fic was inspired by the music of Jonathan Coulton, and contains passages inspired by Caesar's diaries, Beverly Cleary, and a corny chick flick. Readers are accordingly advised to take all necessary measures to ensure safe passage through the fic. Proceed with caution.

( Ambrose gets schooled )